#2 - Giant Burger
First Impressions.
Emily: My first impressions of the "Giant Burger" were conflicted and confused. Why would anyone ever feel the need to make one giant burger instead of individual burgers that fit on a bun? Why? Why?!?
But I have to say that something about the burger intrigued me. This burger is under the subcategory of "Hurry Up Main Dishes" - did Betty realize that a regular burger takes 5-10 minutes to cook in total, while this Giant Burger takes 45-55 minutes. What's Hurry Up about that?
Mike: My first impression was one of surprise. Why would you stick cream cheese, horseradish, and mustard in the middle of a perfectly good burger?
Emily: I have something else to say. Getting back to the whole "one burger vs. individual burger" thing. I think it's a slight against democracy, because everyone has different needs in terms of burgers and (what's the word I'm looking for....) CONDIMENTS! Not everyone likes ketchup on top, and not everyone likes cream-filled center. And the Giant Burger decides for all of us what we like and love? It's just not fair.
Mike: Keep in mind that Emily's only had 3/4 of a glass of wine up to this point. I can't wait to hear what comes out of her mouth after glass #2.
Emily: It's been a long day...
Making It.
Emily: The ingredients were pretty straightforward...
Mike: Agreed.
Emily: We originally bought more than 1.5 lbs of ground beef so that we could make emergency individual burgers for dinner, if needed. But as we were putting the meat and salt together in Step 1 of the recipe, it became clear that the Burger wasn't Giant enough. So we added extra meat. (We pretty much fucked our safety net)
Mike: I wouldn't exactly say we "fucked" our safety net, but it is true that we needed more meat. But even when we added the extra 1/4 lb or so, it still wasn't enough. During Step #4 - in which I had to go around and pinch both meat halves together to make a sort of "Giant Burger Meat Pie" - I still had to scoop out some excess cream cheese, horseradish, and mustard filling w/ my finger.
Emily: I had to do that too!
Mike: Yes, we both did.
Emily: Also, I had to do that with numb fingers. Let me explain. While mixing the ground beef and salt together in a bowl (Step #1), I had to use my hands. For some reason the meat was EXTREMELY COLD. I mean, like
Mike: Still not even 1 glass in. [sigh]
Emily: Also, we ran into a snag that we ultimately decided to overlook. When we opened up the horseradish we had in our refrigerator, it seemed browner than normal. Browner than it seemed like it should be. We looked for an expiration date, but couldn't find one. I thought briefly about calling my mom to see if horseradish expires, but by that time I'd already mixed it in w/ the mustard and cream cheese. I'm a little concerned about it, though, because throwing up Giant Burger would be extremely bad.
Mike: I think it's going to be fine. One side note: I basically made a mockery of the individual onion slices for the finished product picture (see below). At first I inadvertently sliced the slices too thick, so I had to go back over each one and re-slice them. It was time-consuming and tedious, and sucky.
Emily: So now the burger's in, and browning nicely (I just checked it). I had a pickle, and I could be OK for eating just pickles for dinner, if necessary. I'm going to get some more wine.
Mike: We now have 17 minutes left on the timer. We'll check back in when it's time to eat! (By the way, this is where I need to say that I have fairly high hopes for the Burger. It's ridiculous, granted, but it's still just a burger. How bad can it be?)
Mike: One more note (10 mins. to go at this point): the Giant Burger is cooking, and it smells like fart! I actually asked Emily twice if she farted, just to be sure. It's that sort of eggy sulfur-like fart, which is how I know it's not litter box and it's not Spencer's butt (we wiped his butt clean, just to be sure; nope, not him). At this point, my hopes are plummeting.
Emily: I think it's hilarious. Maybe it's the onion rings?
Mike: It's not the onion rings. It's not hilarious.
Eating It.
45-55 minutes later:
Mike: Emily lost rock, paper, scissors, 2-1, so she's going first this time.
Emily: By the time the 55 minutes had passed to achieve "well done" status, it was already past 9 o'clock. We were starving. This is in no way a "Hurry Up" dish. But, in all honestly, it kinda looked good. Even though the cream cheese filling was gray, and the Giant Burger was cooking in a pool of pink meat juices, I was excited to have dinner.
Mike: First, a word on cutting it. We tried arranging the Giant Burger to look like the Betty Crocker picture, which meant that a giant piece needed to be cut out of center. However, when we tried to cut the thing all kinds of cream cheesy ooze seeped everywhere. It was really difficult to cut Giant Burger (two well-done patties separated by cream cheese filling), so we decided just to take a picture of it whole. It was easier.
Emily; I dutifully took the first bite of Giant Burger. The first words out of my mouth were "Not bad." A little salty, but not nearly as bad as "Jellied Chicken Salad." The cream cheese substituted, in a way, for mayo. I ended up eating my entire slice.
Mike: Yeah, it became clear after bite #1 that what Betty was after was some sort of substitute for your prototypical restaurant burger with ketchup, mustard, cheese, mayo, and pickle. She obviously couldn't come up with anything for ketchup and mustard, so she left those as is. The cream cheese and horseradish were clearly meant to take the place of the other ingredients, however. It wasn't all that bad, but my question was: Why?
Emily: I echo that question.
Mike: What's the big deal with cheese, pickle, and mayo (if desired)? It's not like they're any more exotic that cream cheese and horseradish. The burger is such a classic food - if cream cheese and horseradish were an acceptable substitute for all the usual condiments found on a burger, don't you think we'd have known about it by now?
Furthermore, there was what Emily is calling "a clear lack of bunnage." And I agree with that. I found myself wishing there was some bun thrown in the mix, if for no other reason than to temper all the other tastes a bit, and to hold the thing all together.
Emily: The ratio was all off.
Mike: What was needed was a Giant Bun.
Final Words.
Emily: It's all about the "why" for me. Why do this? Why would this be appropriate for any kind of meal, or gathering? Why the cream cheese? Why did I have seconds? That's it.
Mike: So, it really wasn't that bad. And we were hungry. But it's not like it was good, either. In fact, it was so heavy and oozy and cheesy. I feel like I'm having a hard time breathing - Giant Burger is just sitting in my stomach right now. Even so, I was STILL hungry after two medium-ish slices, so I had something healthy instead - an apple (which helped). I'll tell you this: B-Crock didn't exactly encourage healthy eating.
Emily: Word. Where are the Tums?
