Opening remarks :
Emily: I'm hopeful that this recipe will be surprisingly good. I like every ingrediant (besides pimentos which I just don't understand). Now, I like FRESH salmon, never had canned salmon. But it should be just like canned tuna, right? RIGHT??
Mike: Let's make one thing clear: I have been against this recipe from the start. I wanted to make "Bologna Biscuits with Vegetables," but was overruled at the last minute. Next time!
Making it:
Mike: We're not getting along tonight. Emily thinks we should make the biscuits according to the recipe to stay true to the exercise. In an effort to salvage something edible for dinner, I think we should instead go with the recipe on the back of the bisquick box. WHY THE CONFUSION BCROCK? Emily and I almost break up 3 times. (just kidding).
Emily: My grumpiness is growing exponentially, because, after the biscuit fight, I feel like Mike abandoned me to the land of cutting pimientos and olives and searching for parsely flakes, while he dabbles in such time honored ingredients as flour, milk, and butter.
Grumpiness growing- what kind of olives? Both green and black are represented in the garnish. But which kind should be in the actual dish? The recipe just says ripened olives. That Betty- she's a slippery minx or whatever you call it.
As an aside, I'm totally fine with eating just olives for dinner. Delicious.
Mike: Disgusting.
Emily: Can't find parsely flakes. Will cilantro flakes work? It's gonna have to. GRUMPIER.
Now I can't open the pimento jar. Mike can't help because his fingers are full of biscuits. GRUMP RISING.
After starring down the jar of pimentos in a desperate attemp to will it open with my mind, I discover that they are packaged by Moody Dunbar, Inc. I'm so not kidding. It's like somehow, someone knew my struggle. BCrock- is that you? Can you hear me (me me me me me......)
Mike: The "Moody Dunbar" (SO true right now...) pimentos are Dromedary Brand.
Emily: We discuss what a dromendary is. And decide that it is not an ostrich, or a camel, but a llama (which is kind of like an ostrich and a camel put together - think about it). We still don't know what pimentos are or why they are called dromedary.
Mike: I remember that a dromedary is like a llama because I used to play a lot of SimCity 2000, and that game is OBSESSED with llamas and dromedaries. I could never figure out why.
Emily: What the F w/ cutting up pimentos and olives into tiny pieces AGAIN. It seems like friggin' pimentos are in every recipe we've made so far.
Mike: I think that's true. I'm starting to wonder if pimentos first made their way to
Emily: The salmon slop (grrrrr) is done and the wholesome regular totally normal biscuits are baking. Time will tell.
Mike: After putting the biscuits in the oven I made a mini-sculpture with the excess dough. It looks like the mandrake root baby from "Pan's Labrynth." After Emily took a picture of it, I inexplicably popped it into my mouth and started chewing. IT'S JUST DOUGH! What was I thinking? No idea. I quickly spit the thing out into the sink...
Another aside: we put the extra canned salmon out for the cats to eat. They didn't touch it (a bad sign). Emily ate a little, and is worried.
Eating It.
Mike: Wow, that was super fast, especially when compared with how long it took to cook "Giant Burger." The recipe is listed under "impromptu party fare," and Emily would agree, though (again) she doesn't think Betty quite understands the concept of a party, or what would be acceptable fare to serve at a party. I agree with Emily's assessment. If I ever go to a party and Crusty Salmon Shortcakes are served (which sound dirty, by the way), I'm outta there.
Yet another aside: Look at those perfect biscuits! Looks like i made them the correct way...
Emily: I hate the biscuits. We prep the Shortcakes with olives on top and broccoli garnish. Quick - olive garnish is TIPPING! Bring in the reinforcements!
Mike: I lose rock, paper, scissors, 2-1, and so must go first. I ask Emily to prepare me a bite, which she does (the bite is a bit large, in my opinion). I've just dubbed these Salmon Shortcakes "Crusty," and the first thing I do is to smell my bit of "Crusty." I can't articulate exactly what it smells like right now, but it smells terrible.
Emily: It also didn't quite come out the "right" color. It's kind of gray, but in the picture it's really pink. Another bad sign.
Mike wonders aloud what to do w/ olive garnish, then declares "I'm not eating that" (meaning the garnish). We decide to unofficially dub tonight's project "I'm not eating that."
Mike: I now know what it smells like. My mother used to make this recipe that she called "Bunny Wiggle," which, if I remember correctly, was a similar to "Crusty" in that it had this creamy sauce, but was made with ham or spam or some other such "am" meat, and had corn in it and was served on cornbread. 'Bunny Wiggle" was, I think, the single worst recipe my mom made. And she made often enough that I remember really being concerned that I'd have a new girlfriend over for dinner and my mom would make "Bunny Wiggle," and this new, budding relationship would end because of "Bunny Wiggle."
Anyway, "Crusty" smells a lot like "Bunny Wiggle" right now...
I take a bite...
IT TASTES LIKE BUNNY WIGGLE TOO! Smells like Bunny Wiggle, tastes like Bunny Wiggle. Amazing, and disgusting (man I hope that somebody out there reading this has heard of Bunny Wiggle. I may have to get the recipe from my mom and post it).
It's also not warm enough.
Emily: Bunny Wiggle? I'm uncomfortable.
Mike: "Crusty" has taken on yet another nickname: "Bunny Bunny Wig Wigs."
Emily: It's my turn to take a bite. But first, I sniff.
I'm pretty sure it smells exactly like the canned cat food we gave our cats yesterday morning. Mike loads up the fork (A little bit more than what I gave him if you ask me) and I hesitantly lick it before delicately placing the fork into my mouth. Smelled bad, tastes worse. Close your eyes and picture the bottom of the ocean complete with fish poop, barnacles, and sunken pirate ships full of a decomposing One-Eyed Willy and all of his piratey friends. Yep - that pretty much describes it. I'm actually crying. If Mike's mom made this (or bun bun wig wig) the first time I was over (instead of pepperoni pizza) I'm pretty sure I would have dumped him. In a nice way of course.
Final comments.
Emily: I'm sad that this recipe sucked. But, on reflection, I feel this was a turning point in our project. I feel a new connection to Betty Crocker since she spoke to me through the pimento jar. I truly believe she is with us, somehow, somewhere. From now on, Betty and I are soul sisters. That's pretty hot.
I also feel that it was a turning point for Mike and I. We had our ups and downs (biscuits/pimentos), weathered the storm, and supported each other throughout the crustiness. I feel proud of our work tonight. Ah, love.
Mike: I'm going to repeat that I was against this recipe from the start. 'nuff said. Also, here is the first hit Google returns when I search for "Bunny Wiggle:"
(so strange. and also NSFW)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myIBLrdep
Sadly, I could find no mention anywhere of the recipe my mom made when we were kids. I now believe she made it up because she secretly hated us. Hey mom - I'M ON TO YOU.
