#9 Green Bean Bunwiches

Dear Reader,
Clearly we are awesome.  Please enjoy this next installment, which happens to come immediately after our last installment, free of charge.  And you better enjoy it as much as you can.  Who knows when we’ll post again?
Indubitably Yours in Crockering,
Emily and Mike

Thus began our last “Betty Crocker Recipe Project” entry, written nearly three whole years ago.  Little did we know at the time how prescient those words (“Who knows when we’ll post again?”) would turn out to be.  Just to get everyone up to speed, here’s a rundown of some of things that have happened in the last three years:

Emily and Mike, 2008 to 2011 (abridged)

• Summer 2008: Mike and Emily get engaged.
• Fall 2008: Emily begins MFA program.
• Rest of 2008 plus 2009: Mostly a blur.  School and wedding planning definitely involved.  We may have also picked up another cat during this time (can’t remember).
• Fall 2010: Mike enters grad school.
• September 18^th, 2010: Emily and Mike get married (yay!).
• Winter 2011: Emily gets a new job.
• Winter 2011: Emily graduates, gets her MFA.
• Spring 2011: Mike transitions into new job.
• Spring 2011: Mike and Emily (+3 cats) move across state.
• Spring 2011: Emily gets another new job.
• Summer 2011: Transition time.
• August 2011: Here we are!

Throughout this time, Betty Crocker has still been rolling around in the back of our brains.  The topic of starting this blog back up was definitely broached on several occasions - something like “Hey how about if we--” or “Whatever happened--”

Friends asked us to get it going again.  But thanks to one reason or another (life, mostly), it didn’t happen.

Until now.

We’ve got a new town.  We’ve got new jobs.  We’ve welcomed a new degree (and maybe a new cat) to the family.  It feels like a whole new life, like a whole new us.  So what better time than now to reboot The Betty Crocker Recipe Project?

Here goes.  Enjoy.

Yours in Crockering,

-Mike and Em

 * just a quick note that our fancy new camera was stolen when our car was broken into in Brooklyn (thanks a lot Kyle and Maggie) (J/K).  For now, until one of our insurance companies decides to not be a dick and pay us for our stolen goods, we will be taking all photos with our iphone cameras.  Sorry for the low quality (thanks a lot Ryan) (J/K).

#9 Green Bean Bunwiches 

Opening remarks.

Em: Do you want some wine?

Mike: (nod in the affirmative)

Em: Unfortunately, the back of the recipe card provides no explanation about the bunwiches, no snappy personal message from Betty.  We are truly on our own.

I will say this: on the way home today Mike said “I don’t think this will be too bad.”  I’m not sure I agree. 

Mike:  The picture on the front makes it look like a Big Mac that’s been hit by a car.

Em: I think it’s like a whimsical puzzle.  I am confused as always, (ah good times) and tickled.  Oh Betty.  It’s been too long.

5 minutes in.  We’re still arranging our ingredients.

Em: OK, it feels like we’re stalling.  I’m a little nervous (keeps plucking out fruit from Sangria).  I found a plum!

Em’s mom calls.  A few minutes pass.

Em: OK, you go to your theater meeting, we’ll make green bean bunwiches, and we’ll talk tomorrow.

Em’s mom (on the phone): God bless you guys.

Making it.

Em (reading from the recipe card): OK.  Place the container of hamberry mix- wait did I just say hamberry mix?

1 pt. frozen make ahead hamburger mix.  A pint?  A note on it says * hurry up main dishes card.

We’re both very confused.  “Make ahead?”  But we ignore it and continue reading the ingredients.

Em: …2/3 cup tomato juice- how do you feel about it? 

Mike: I hate it.  I don’t know why we need it.  I feel that we’ve progressed away from tomato juice in our lives in this modern day….we use tomatoes now.  What’s the big fucking deal?  Use a goddamn tomato.

Em: Wait wait wait- what about bloody marys?

Mike: What about them?

Em: I’m just sayin’.

Em is distracted by Pandora which is playing Mike’s specially-selected playlist).

What a depressing song.  Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.  

“Tears filling up glasses, no expression, hide my head I want to drown my sorrow no tomorrow". 

Gahhhhhhhhh.  Dear lord help me.

We’re still confused about the Make Ahead Hamburger Mix, as there is no explanation on the card. Would it have killed Betty to put something ON the card about this?

We go looking for the “Hurry Up Main Dishes” card in our Betty Crocker deck.  In the process, we find lots of other recipes we’d like to try some day: Backwards Party, Fish Breakfasts, Tres Chic Pic-Nique, Connecticut Beef Supper, etc.  We eventually find “Hurry Up Main Dishes.”

15 minutes in.  We still haven’t done one thing.

Em (reading over “Make Ahead Hamburger Mix” recipe): It’s fucking complicated.  I don’t see why it needs to be so complicated.  Also, who makes 4lbs of ground beef at a time (Em is already quite whiney, and has started snacking on a bag of chips)?

Also, we’re not prepared – we don’t have any of these fucking ingredients (more chips).

The make-ahead hamburger mix calls for ground beef (sorry Betty, we’re using turkey and you can’t stop us), chopped onion, ketchup, water, celery, lemon juice, brown sugar, worcestershire sauce, salt, vinegar and mustard.  We got rid of our worchestershire sauce when we moved, and haven’t replaced it.  What can we use to substitute worcestershire sauce?  Probably nothing…

Mike: How about teriyaki sauce? 

Em: Close enough. 

We go with it.

Sometimes you have to make decisions in your life that you’re not comfortable with (chips).

20 minutes in, and all we’ve got is tomato juice in a saucepan.  It’s balls hot in the kitchen, and it’s 7:30.  We’re still only on step one.  Betty, a little heads up about the pre-planning would have been nice.  An asterisk just doesn’t cut it these days…

The meat is browning.  Quick question: when it says “brown” the meat, does it mean brown like crispy or brown like not pink?

Em: Uh oh! I just added too much teriyaki!

Mike: How much?

Em: Like a lot. 

Start over. 

Mike: I don’t know how much ketchup to add so I’m adding the whole rest of the bottle. 

Oh shit, our meat is burning.  Stressed!

Cat on the keyboard!

It’s scary that the tomato is the only fresh ingredient in this dish.  Because by the time the onion is added it’s cooked and frozen (well, not frozen in this version.   But cooked.)  You’d have thought Betty would’ve found us some frozen tomato somewhere, to be consistent.

30 minutes in.  The turkey is brown, and now we’re adding the ketchup and Worcestershire (teriyaki) sauce.  And then we’re going to add more tomato juice to that.

Betty says to cook the onion rings for 5 minutes, but the onion rings bag says to cook for 15.  We opt to follow the bag’s directions (even though, by now, the onion rings are almost totally thawed).

Em dares Mike to drink tomato juice.  Mike declines.

Mike: Put the chips away!

Em: But I’m hungry!

Mike looks in the bag.  It’s half empty.  Em is confronted with this evidence.

Em: But it was mostly air.

Mike: You’re mostly air.

38 minutes in.  The Make Ahead hamburger (turkey) mix is complete.  Oven is preheating.  We add the tomato sauce to the mix and cook for 10 more minutes.

Revelation (41 mins in) – maybe these aren’t hamburgers.  Maybe they’re sloppy joes.  With beans on top…

Emily opens the oven to take a picture of the onion rings and sneezes on them.  She claims to have been documenting our process, though it’s not clear where the sneeze comes into play with that. 

Revelation: the inside of our oven looks like Tron

Buns go in the oven with onion rings, we have 2 burners going and the oven on at 425 degrees.  It’s like 93 degrees outside.  We are starting to hallucinate.

Mike continues to listen to depressing music on Pandora (and knows all of the words.)

“…goodbye my almost lover, goodbye my hopeless dream…”  Not EVEN kidding.

While we're waiting for the timer, Mike treats us with a snippet of his mad air guitar skillz.

Times up!

Once we got past the initial issue with the Make Ahead (that we didn’t make ahead) we seemed to be ok.  If we had made ahead the Make Ahead, this would have been a snap.

Em: I’m still confused about the building of the rolls.

Mike: Work smarter, not harder. 

FOR REALS HE JUST SAID THAT.  Also he is talking to the oven timer because he doesn’t know how to turn it off and it keeps beeping at him.

The pickle discussion:

Mike: Bread and butter? 

Em: Fuck that shit. 

Mike: Bread and butter or kosher dill?

Em: I’ll take the kosher.

Mike: You’re goddamn right.

Fin.

1 hour in.

Mike: What is salad oil? I guess canola oil will have to do. 

Em (eating processed American cheese): This is the worst Pandora playmix ever.

Mike: Classy.

The cheese is delicious, even though its processed and the idea of it is horrifying.

Emily again dares Mike to drink the leftover tomato juice.  Decline #2.

We build the bunwiches by placing the bottom bun first, topped with meat, then pickle slices, then the upside down top bun, then green beans, then melted cheese, then a tomato slice on top.   Then you put it back in the oven for one last melt (and so the tomato slice is extra hot to hold in your hands).

5 minutes later.

Em: (checks the oven) Oh dear…we have a capsized bean-wich!  We have a cap-sized beanwich.  Bunwich, whatever.

Eating it.

Rock, paper, scissors (just like old times!).  Mike wins 2-0 (scissor-scissor tie, rock over scissors, scissors cut paper).  Em goes first.

Em: I don’t know how to eat it.  I’m going to try to eat it like a sandwich. (eats it like a sandwich)…It’s salty.  And wet. (Don't I say this every time?)

Mike: I just taste tomato and bread and pickles.  Maybe because the whole thing shot out the back.  I don’t understand the beans.  They are completely unnecessary. Also, why do you have the bread upside down?  It just makes it unpleasant to eat.  It’s not clever, not cute.  This is just difficult.  There is a reason why sandwiches are called sandwiches.  This is just fucking unnecessary…but it’s not bad…I don’t mind it.  I’ll eat the whole thing.

Emily: Here’s the thing. I’ve never had a sloppy joe with pickles on it. I’ve never had a cheeseburger with green beans.

Mike: It’s unnecessarily complicated.

Em: I’ve never had a sandwich with the bun reversed for shits and giggles.  But I’m fucking eating it like a sandwich.  Because I’m fucking hungry.  I’m trying to stay true to Betty’s vision.  Can you pass me a napkin?

We eat for a little bit.  Appropriately, “Hunger Strike” by Temple of the Dog plays. We reminisce a bit about high school.  Emily claims she would’ve stalked me had we known each other in high school, which leads to a conversation about how my dad basically stalked my mom when they were kids.  

Closing remarks.

Emily: I’ll say this: we’ve made some recipes that are inedible.  But I’m eating all of this.  Which is a good thing.

Mike: I agree.  I especially like the onion rings.

Thanks for reading this!  We’re excited to start this up again and we only fought about 4 times throughout the making, eating, and writing process.  Ah, it feels good to be back.   We’ve got a special recipe planned for next time in celebration of our return.  Can you stand it?