#10 Be a Paper Bag Clown Party

Hello hello readers,

We’ve had plans now going on 2 years to do some of the recipes from Betty’s “Children’s Parties” collection, but it didn’t feel right to do something so non-traditional right after re-starting this blog.  This time, we decided to combine two “Parties” recipes in one for August, to really prove we’re back for good.  Because we are (Even though it's September and we're just now publishing August.  It's not because we don't love you).
 
This last month has been quite the transition month for us.  We attempted to cram every little bit of summer fun into to the last weekend in August (read: Ocean City, NJ).  Then Mike started grad school again, I had an entirely new bus schedule to memorize, and well, we got a new wii game.  Like I said, it's not that we don't love you.  It's just that we've been having a lot of fun without you.  Ok, ok, ok, that sounds bad.  It's just that some days, it's time to Betty, and other days, it's time to, you know, go outside, sit your ass on a beach, and ponder the broad strokes of your life (all while judging people on said beach and thinking about what you will grill that night for dinner). 

Have no fear.  We will have plenty of time to sit inside, make crappy Betty Crocker recipes, and torture ourselves by eating them this winter (in Massachusetts, that's a season that lasts October-April).   Until then, enjoy your goddamn paper bag clown party.  We sure did! 


We'll be back next month with something especially gross to celebrate Autumn.
Yours in crockering,


Emily and Mike

We felt a little weird throwing a party just for ourselves, so we decided to throw it for one of our cats instead.  We chose Spencer, since he’s the most angsty.

We started the evening off with a new cocktail favorite, Sweet Tea (iced tea and vodka) with basil and some melon from the farm.  Delicious.

Emily: I’m really excited about both recipes.  The potential for fun is just overflowing.  I’m also intrigued by the first line of the Paper Bag Party card, which exclaims “How versatile paper bags are!”  I guess we’ll find out.

Mike: I had no idea paper bags were so versatile.  This is exciting.

Emily:   I’d also like to bring it down for a very special episode of the “Betty Crocker Recipe Project.”  As we were editing last month’s entry, I started to feel ashamed about how much I was cursing (this probably has to do with the fact that my mom reads this blog and, even though I’m 33, I still felt like I needed to put a dollar in the curse jar).  So it’s my vow during this entry NOT to curse during any part of the making or eating process.  Amen (takes a swig of Sweet Tea).

Mike: I can’t make the same promises, because I don’t think my mom reads this blog.  Even if she does, I’m not so great at controlling my cursing.  I feel calmer going into this recipe than I usually do, because I think the end results will be more edible than we’re accustomed to.  I mean, we’re basically just making cupcakes and whatever candy things are on the paper bag.

Emily:  But it’s a party…it’s two parties, in one.

Mike: No, I know that!  I’m just saying I’m more confident about the end result.  I am excited about throwing Spencer a party.

Emily:  No, no, Spencer’s throwing it for US.

Mike:  Does he know that?  Because I don’t think he does.

Emily: Did we tell him?

Mike:  I did not tell him.

Making it.

We decide to make the “Paper Bag Party” first.

Here is a little intro from the back of the “Paper Bag Party” card:

Interjection: At this point we get into our first argument of the evening.  Emily has the card in her hand, and she says “Betty says, quote.” 

Mike then asks if the card says “Betty says quote” on it. 

Emily responds by saying “Betty says quote.” 

Mike then asks again, does the card say “Betty says quote?” 

“I said that,” says Emily.

“I know you said that, but is that what it says on the back of the card?” 

“I’m about to tell you what’s on the card.” 

Mike: “OK.” 

Emily: “Betty says, quote…”  

Mike: “Is that what the card actually says?  Does it physically say ‘Betty says quote’ on the card?” 

Emily:  I’m telling you—

Mike: Just give me the fucking card [snatches card out of Emily’s hand.]

Emily: Really?  You’re going to get mad about this?

Mike: Sorry.

“How versatile paper bags are!  You can cut them.  Paint or color them.  Paste curly paper eyelashes or noses on them.  Make masks or stuff them with paper and shape into puppet heads.  You can put popcorn balls into a paper bag slipped over a Styrofoam block for edible table decorations.  Have fun at your paper bag party!”

Emily:  I just love her enthusiasm for paper bags.  She freaking loves paper bags, and it’s a bit contagious.  Would you agree?

Mike: Not yet, no.  I am excited about the ice cream part of it, even though I do not have any Lactaid pills and I will probably pay for it later.

Jumping to the cupcake part: 

Mike: The cupcakes for the “Be a Clown Party” were very easy to make.  Just followed the back of the cake mix box.  Did we use Betty Crocker cake mix?

Emily nods.

Mike: Yes!

We also made some air-popped popcorn to make the pink balls.  Emily can’t stop eating.

Mike: I am just not feeling it right now….Maybe it's food coma from dinner.  Or sleep deprivation. 

 Mike (attempting to rally): to Spencer- are you ready for your party?  Want to help?

Spencer “helps” to measure the marshmallows.

Emily measures 7 cups of popcorn per the instructions.  Didn’t seem like enough, so she puts in 2 more (not sure why, just seemed like the right thing to do).

We now have an officially buttered bowl (that’s what she said.)

Emily:  woooh.  This sweet tea is strong.  How are you feeling?

Mike: A lot better.  I rallied.  I don’t know why.  I think it was Spencer’s help.

We combine the marshmallow, butter and red food coloring into a bowl. 

Emily: Betty calls for a double boiler but we don’t have one.  We probably should have put one on our wedding registry.  Dang it.  I rig one out of a bowl and a saucepan of water.  Ok, stir that bad boy. 

Mike:  Spencer, do you want to help again? 

Spencer walks away.

Mike has totally rallied and is punching the air to Liz Phair.  Who can really blame him?

Mike: One reason why this recipe combination might feel calmer is because we are really in no rush.  Nothing is cooking on the stove while we are doing 11 things at the same time.  I predict chaos when we are making the clown faces.

Emily begins to assemble the paper bag-foam face.  She loves crafts!

The nose on the paper bag centerpiece is just a really sharp knife.  For a kid’s party.

Emily catches Mike checking on his fantasy baseball team.  She yells at him.  “We’re deep in the party-making!”

Update from the rigged double boiler.  We’ve got meltage!

Spencer returns to his party with a guest: Ozzie.  It's always awkward being the first guest at a party.

We begin pouring the now-pink marshmallow mixture over the popcorn.  Emily thinks it smells like strawberries.

Rock-Paper-Scissors for who is going to butter their hands:

Emily wins 2-0 (Paper covers Rock, Paper covers Rock).  Mike butters his hands.

We attempt our first pink ball and disaster strikes.  The popcorn won’t stay on the lollipop.  According to Mike it is not still warm, so it's just the extra butter making it slippery.  Honestly, we could have used Spencer’s help.

While we are putting the balls on the bag, Mike gives Emily a look like- that is freaking UGLY. 

Emily: “I’m not trying to make it look like shit!  Crap!  I mean...messed up!”

At least Spence likes it. 

We take a 5 minute break to reset and prepare for the clown portion of the evening.  Ozzie is still waiting for the other guests to arrive.  Little does he know that the other guest is sleeping comfortably in Mike’s recycle bin. 

He distracts himself by staring down a spider crawling across the kitchen floor.  Apparently another guest has arrived.  

Emily: !!!!!!

Disaster #2: The wine has been in the freezer so long it is now frozen.  Wine slushies, for everyone! (the optimism is FLOWING tonight.  It's because we're having a party. Thanks Betty!)

Ramona has arrived fashionably late and we couldn’t be more excited. 

Spencer continues to be a bad host but Mike makes up for it. 

We just realized that this entire post is all about us taking pictures of our cats on a Friday night.  If it's not already clear, we are still working on making friends in our new town.

Emily sneezes on the cupcakes.  What’s with her and sneezing?

The spider is desperately trying to leave this party.  That’s OK though, because more guests have arrived.  Fruit flies.

Emily: !!!!!!!!

Emily: Making cupacake icecream clown faces is best done to rap.

Chaos, as predicted, when we put the faces together.  The ice cream is just melting too fast. 

Mike: “I need a corn!  A CORN!"

They look just like the card.

....and some lovely close-ups:

In the end, we decide to toss all of the candy except the cinnamon hearts and the honey roasted peanuts.  Everything else is just nasty.  I wonder i f they had non-disgusting candy in the 60’s.  If not, we really can’t blame Betty.
* special aside:  whie this recipe called for LOTS of gross candy, it did give us an excuse to go to our favorite local ice cream store that just happens to be a penny candy store too.  Feast your eyes on the amazingness of this place:

Now, if you come visit us, we will take you there.  Yes, I am "dangling a carrot." 

It is now two and a half hours after starting our party prep. 

And the party is BUMPIN.  It makes for a late night but that’s to be expected with a paper bag clown party.  I mean, Come on!

Eating it.

Well, we didn’t think about actually eating the cupcakes before we doused them with catnip trying to get a photo of all of the cats together, enjoying them. 

We also decided not to eat the balls because by the time we got to them, they had melted down the paper bag face.  The whole thing was a disaster.  It would have also terrified little children. 

Also, Emily was a little concerned about biting into one and chipping her tooth on the lollipop buried inside.  Especially because we are still looking for a new dentist out here.  We did save the extra pink popcorn because it's basically rice Krispy treats with red food coloring and, clearly it’s not ok to waste rice Krispy treats. 

Closing remarks.

Emily:  I have a few things to say. 

-While this party seemed calm, it took a LONG time to get everything ready. And the cupcake faces were not easy.  Maybe it’s because it’s August and we are attempting to make things with melted marshmallow and ice cream.

-Sometimes I think it’s ok to have a calm recipe making.  I hope our description doesn’t downplay our general confusion and flabberghastedness.  Because that was a constant tonight.  It’s also nice to have a little variety.  It doesn’t always have to be a poop show in the kitchen.  Sometimes it’s nice to bring it down a bit and make a recipe like Robert Goulet might.

-I wonder why Betty can’t keep any of her recipes the natural color.  Too often there is a pink color when there shouldn’t be.  You know what recipe could have used some coloring to mask the grossness? The freaking Jellied Chicken Salad that started this whole blog. 

-Overall, I think Spencer threw an excellent party.  I’m still not sure who it’s for but a party is a party, right?

- I still also ponder the versatility of the paper bag.  I don’t think you need a paper bag face centerpiece but then again, we are watching a lot of Madmen on Netflix and a lot of what those women did was ridiculous.  I think it’s a product of being home every day WITH NOTHING TO DO.  When in doubt, make elaborate centerpieces.  Involve food coloring whenever you can.

-Finally, I think I did pretty well with my “no cursing” challenge.  I only slipped up once, er twice when I cursed and then freaked out that I cursed.  My mom will be proud.  Actually, she probably doesn’t care. 

Mike:  I want to thank Spencer for throwing us the party.  It was very thoughtful of him.  I’m still surprised that so many creatures from the neighborhood turned out tonight!  It was nice to see everyone.

-I like that this recipe was a bit more relaxed than those we’ve had in the past.  There’s a lot going on in the world right now, and it’s nice every once in a while to just get deep into some party-making.

-I feel happy with the way everything turned out, and slightly sick from all the candy I ate.

-You know, one thing I’ve been wondering about is where they took that picture of the cupcake people.  Were they in some sort of fluorescent pink walk-in freezer?  Because our dudes started melting as soon as we began to assemble them.  We’d put a candy corn eye on, turn away to get a jelly bean or a honey roasted peanut, then turn back to find that the candy corn eye had slid down the cupcake man’s cheek on to the ground.  Maybe Betty had a cupcake clown production team to help her out.  I bet she did.

UPDATE: A couple hours after we had finished making everything (after we’d thrown out the leftovers and cleaned up the kitchen), a giant beetle flew in the window.  Hey beetle – you’re late, party’s over, get outta here!

Man, we really need to get some friends in this town.

#9 Green Bean Bunwiches

Dear Reader,
Clearly we are awesome.  Please enjoy this next installment, which happens to come immediately after our last installment, free of charge.  And you better enjoy it as much as you can.  Who knows when we’ll post again?
Indubitably Yours in Crockering,
Emily and Mike

Thus began our last “Betty Crocker Recipe Project” entry, written nearly three whole years ago.  Little did we know at the time how prescient those words (“Who knows when we’ll post again?”) would turn out to be.  Just to get everyone up to speed, here’s a rundown of some of things that have happened in the last three years:

Emily and Mike, 2008 to 2011 (abridged)

• Summer 2008: Mike and Emily get engaged.
• Fall 2008: Emily begins MFA program.
• Rest of 2008 plus 2009: Mostly a blur.  School and wedding planning definitely involved.  We may have also picked up another cat during this time (can’t remember).
• Fall 2010: Mike enters grad school.
• September 18^th, 2010: Emily and Mike get married (yay!).
• Winter 2011: Emily gets a new job.
• Winter 2011: Emily graduates, gets her MFA.
• Spring 2011: Mike transitions into new job.
• Spring 2011: Mike and Emily (+3 cats) move across state.
• Spring 2011: Emily gets another new job.
• Summer 2011: Transition time.
• August 2011: Here we are!

Throughout this time, Betty Crocker has still been rolling around in the back of our brains.  The topic of starting this blog back up was definitely broached on several occasions - something like “Hey how about if we--” or “Whatever happened--”

Friends asked us to get it going again.  But thanks to one reason or another (life, mostly), it didn’t happen.

Until now.

We’ve got a new town.  We’ve got new jobs.  We’ve welcomed a new degree (and maybe a new cat) to the family.  It feels like a whole new life, like a whole new us.  So what better time than now to reboot The Betty Crocker Recipe Project?

Here goes.  Enjoy.

Yours in Crockering,

-Mike and Em

 * just a quick note that our fancy new camera was stolen when our car was broken into in Brooklyn (thanks a lot Kyle and Maggie) (J/K).  For now, until one of our insurance companies decides to not be a dick and pay us for our stolen goods, we will be taking all photos with our iphone cameras.  Sorry for the low quality (thanks a lot Ryan) (J/K).

#9 Green Bean Bunwiches 

Opening remarks.

Em: Do you want some wine?

Mike: (nod in the affirmative)

Em: Unfortunately, the back of the recipe card provides no explanation about the bunwiches, no snappy personal message from Betty.  We are truly on our own.

I will say this: on the way home today Mike said “I don’t think this will be too bad.”  I’m not sure I agree. 

Mike:  The picture on the front makes it look like a Big Mac that’s been hit by a car.

Em: I think it’s like a whimsical puzzle.  I am confused as always, (ah good times) and tickled.  Oh Betty.  It’s been too long.

5 minutes in.  We’re still arranging our ingredients.

Em: OK, it feels like we’re stalling.  I’m a little nervous (keeps plucking out fruit from Sangria).  I found a plum!

Em’s mom calls.  A few minutes pass.

Em: OK, you go to your theater meeting, we’ll make green bean bunwiches, and we’ll talk tomorrow.

Em’s mom (on the phone): God bless you guys.

Making it.

Em (reading from the recipe card): OK.  Place the container of hamberry mix- wait did I just say hamberry mix?

1 pt. frozen make ahead hamburger mix.  A pint?  A note on it says * hurry up main dishes card.

We’re both very confused.  “Make ahead?”  But we ignore it and continue reading the ingredients.

Em: …2/3 cup tomato juice- how do you feel about it? 

Mike: I hate it.  I don’t know why we need it.  I feel that we’ve progressed away from tomato juice in our lives in this modern day….we use tomatoes now.  What’s the big fucking deal?  Use a goddamn tomato.

Em: Wait wait wait- what about bloody marys?

Mike: What about them?

Em: I’m just sayin’.

Em is distracted by Pandora which is playing Mike’s specially-selected playlist).

What a depressing song.  Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.  

“Tears filling up glasses, no expression, hide my head I want to drown my sorrow no tomorrow". 

Gahhhhhhhhh.  Dear lord help me.

We’re still confused about the Make Ahead Hamburger Mix, as there is no explanation on the card. Would it have killed Betty to put something ON the card about this?

We go looking for the “Hurry Up Main Dishes” card in our Betty Crocker deck.  In the process, we find lots of other recipes we’d like to try some day: Backwards Party, Fish Breakfasts, Tres Chic Pic-Nique, Connecticut Beef Supper, etc.  We eventually find “Hurry Up Main Dishes.”

15 minutes in.  We still haven’t done one thing.

Em (reading over “Make Ahead Hamburger Mix” recipe): It’s fucking complicated.  I don’t see why it needs to be so complicated.  Also, who makes 4lbs of ground beef at a time (Em is already quite whiney, and has started snacking on a bag of chips)?

Also, we’re not prepared – we don’t have any of these fucking ingredients (more chips).

The make-ahead hamburger mix calls for ground beef (sorry Betty, we’re using turkey and you can’t stop us), chopped onion, ketchup, water, celery, lemon juice, brown sugar, worcestershire sauce, salt, vinegar and mustard.  We got rid of our worchestershire sauce when we moved, and haven’t replaced it.  What can we use to substitute worcestershire sauce?  Probably nothing…

Mike: How about teriyaki sauce? 

Em: Close enough. 

We go with it.

Sometimes you have to make decisions in your life that you’re not comfortable with (chips).

20 minutes in, and all we’ve got is tomato juice in a saucepan.  It’s balls hot in the kitchen, and it’s 7:30.  We’re still only on step one.  Betty, a little heads up about the pre-planning would have been nice.  An asterisk just doesn’t cut it these days…

The meat is browning.  Quick question: when it says “brown” the meat, does it mean brown like crispy or brown like not pink?

Em: Uh oh! I just added too much teriyaki!

Mike: How much?

Em: Like a lot. 

Start over. 

Mike: I don’t know how much ketchup to add so I’m adding the whole rest of the bottle. 

Oh shit, our meat is burning.  Stressed!

Cat on the keyboard!

It’s scary that the tomato is the only fresh ingredient in this dish.  Because by the time the onion is added it’s cooked and frozen (well, not frozen in this version.   But cooked.)  You’d have thought Betty would’ve found us some frozen tomato somewhere, to be consistent.

30 minutes in.  The turkey is brown, and now we’re adding the ketchup and Worcestershire (teriyaki) sauce.  And then we’re going to add more tomato juice to that.

Betty says to cook the onion rings for 5 minutes, but the onion rings bag says to cook for 15.  We opt to follow the bag’s directions (even though, by now, the onion rings are almost totally thawed).

Em dares Mike to drink tomato juice.  Mike declines.

Mike: Put the chips away!

Em: But I’m hungry!

Mike looks in the bag.  It’s half empty.  Em is confronted with this evidence.

Em: But it was mostly air.

Mike: You’re mostly air.

38 minutes in.  The Make Ahead hamburger (turkey) mix is complete.  Oven is preheating.  We add the tomato sauce to the mix and cook for 10 more minutes.

Revelation (41 mins in) – maybe these aren’t hamburgers.  Maybe they’re sloppy joes.  With beans on top…

Emily opens the oven to take a picture of the onion rings and sneezes on them.  She claims to have been documenting our process, though it’s not clear where the sneeze comes into play with that. 

Revelation: the inside of our oven looks like Tron

Buns go in the oven with onion rings, we have 2 burners going and the oven on at 425 degrees.  It’s like 93 degrees outside.  We are starting to hallucinate.

Mike continues to listen to depressing music on Pandora (and knows all of the words.)

“…goodbye my almost lover, goodbye my hopeless dream…”  Not EVEN kidding.

While we're waiting for the timer, Mike treats us with a snippet of his mad air guitar skillz.

Times up!

Once we got past the initial issue with the Make Ahead (that we didn’t make ahead) we seemed to be ok.  If we had made ahead the Make Ahead, this would have been a snap.

Em: I’m still confused about the building of the rolls.

Mike: Work smarter, not harder. 

FOR REALS HE JUST SAID THAT.  Also he is talking to the oven timer because he doesn’t know how to turn it off and it keeps beeping at him.

The pickle discussion:

Mike: Bread and butter? 

Em: Fuck that shit. 

Mike: Bread and butter or kosher dill?

Em: I’ll take the kosher.

Mike: You’re goddamn right.

Fin.

1 hour in.

Mike: What is salad oil? I guess canola oil will have to do. 

Em (eating processed American cheese): This is the worst Pandora playmix ever.

Mike: Classy.

The cheese is delicious, even though its processed and the idea of it is horrifying.

Emily again dares Mike to drink the leftover tomato juice.  Decline #2.

We build the bunwiches by placing the bottom bun first, topped with meat, then pickle slices, then the upside down top bun, then green beans, then melted cheese, then a tomato slice on top.   Then you put it back in the oven for one last melt (and so the tomato slice is extra hot to hold in your hands).

5 minutes later.

Em: (checks the oven) Oh dear…we have a capsized bean-wich!  We have a cap-sized beanwich.  Bunwich, whatever.

Eating it.

Rock, paper, scissors (just like old times!).  Mike wins 2-0 (scissor-scissor tie, rock over scissors, scissors cut paper).  Em goes first.

Em: I don’t know how to eat it.  I’m going to try to eat it like a sandwich. (eats it like a sandwich)…It’s salty.  And wet. (Don't I say this every time?)

Mike: I just taste tomato and bread and pickles.  Maybe because the whole thing shot out the back.  I don’t understand the beans.  They are completely unnecessary. Also, why do you have the bread upside down?  It just makes it unpleasant to eat.  It’s not clever, not cute.  This is just difficult.  There is a reason why sandwiches are called sandwiches.  This is just fucking unnecessary…but it’s not bad…I don’t mind it.  I’ll eat the whole thing.

Emily: Here’s the thing. I’ve never had a sloppy joe with pickles on it. I’ve never had a cheeseburger with green beans.

Mike: It’s unnecessarily complicated.

Em: I’ve never had a sandwich with the bun reversed for shits and giggles.  But I’m fucking eating it like a sandwich.  Because I’m fucking hungry.  I’m trying to stay true to Betty’s vision.  Can you pass me a napkin?

We eat for a little bit.  Appropriately, “Hunger Strike” by Temple of the Dog plays. We reminisce a bit about high school.  Emily claims she would’ve stalked me had we known each other in high school, which leads to a conversation about how my dad basically stalked my mom when they were kids.  

Closing remarks.

Emily: I’ll say this: we’ve made some recipes that are inedible.  But I’m eating all of this.  Which is a good thing.

Mike: I agree.  I especially like the onion rings.

Thanks for reading this!  We’re excited to start this up again and we only fought about 4 times throughout the making, eating, and writing process.  Ah, it feels good to be back.   We’ve got a special recipe planned for next time in celebration of our return.  Can you stand it? 

8 Happy Traveler Sing-Along

Dear Reader,

Cleary we are awesome.  Please enjoy this next installment, which happens to come immediately after our last installment, free of charge.  And you better enjoy it as much as you can.  Who knows when we’ll post again?

Indubitably Yours in Crockering,

Emily and Mike

# 8 - Happy Traveler Sing-Along

Opening Remarks.

This recipe in the section “Foods That Go Places,” and is actually a recipe In Disguise.  We’ve definitely seen this card in the deck a few times, but the only thing that caught our eye was the title: “Happy Traveler Sing-Along.”  “Huh,” we’d say,  “that’s a weird name for a recipe.  But it looks like doughnuts.  Probably nothing special.”  And we move on.

But recently Emily, intrigued by the prospect of a Happy Traveler Sing-Along, actually took the time to read through the recipe on the back.  It is in fact, a recipe for doughuts.  POTATO doughnuts. 

Curiously, no further mention of happiness, travelers, or singing is made on the back of the card.  So just what is a Happy Traveler Sing-Along?  Perhaps we’ll magically understand when we eat the doughnuts.

Making It.

Emily:  Ok.  OKOKOKOKOK.  THIS recipe is amazing.  Yes it’s doughnuts!  But they are made out of instant mashed potato flakes.   AMAZING.  Also - I’m much more awake than last time.  I hope to actually be able to make sentences this time.

I am just so intrigued by this concoction that I can’t wait to try it.  Mike is making me wait because he’s watching the last 19 minutes of his John Adams biographical film (hahaha).  So I will just keep writing about how excited I am.  Also, we need a deep fryer.  But we don’t have one of those, so we will be concocting one.  EXCITING.  I wish Ryan Perry was here to enjoy the frying with us.

The actual recipe card called for “Potato Buds Instant Puffs” and, loving a challenge in the grocery store, we set out to find these magical buds.  You could say we were a bit surprised to enter the instant mashed potato section of the grocery store aisle and find “Betty Crocker Potato Buds” in a dusty box on the top shelf.  Holy crap Betty, when you meant Potato Buds, you really weren’t kidding.  You invented these things!  Sorry we made fun of you.

(19 minutes later)

Mike: The end of John Adams was really sad and emotional.  First his daughter Nabby died of breast cancer, then Abigail died, and then Thomas Jefferson and Adams both died.  I’ve been crying my eyes out for the past hour.  Clearly I’m not the Happy Traveler Betty Crocker envisioned for her Sing-Along.  I’ll try my best to rally, though.

Emily: We’ve got some ingredient substitutions happening tonight.  We don’t have enough flour, so we’re going to substitute a little bit of whole wheat flour.  And then it says in the ingredients that you only need Potato Bud Instant Puffs, but then on the recipe card that you need to actually follow the recipe for making Instant Puffs on the Potato Buds box, which requires milk.  But we don’t have milk, we have Dairy Ease.

Mike: Dairy Ease is milk, just w/out lactose (I’m lactose intolerant).

Emily: We add milk to the Potato Buds, and it smells awful.  Like butthole, and cardboard, and wet cardboard.

Mike: I really don’t think it smells like anything at all—

Emily:  Mike is rallying and throwing ingredients into the mixing bowl.  It kind of feels like a race.  It’s very exciting.

I have Mike break the three eggs into a separate bowl so that if one is bad, it doesn’t taint the other ingredients.  He proceeds to break all three eggs into the same bowl so it doesn’t really matter anyway.  Also it was a cat food bowl. We are classy.

The shortening is clumping up in the mixture so we read the recipe card and it says beat thoroughly.  Oh boy.  We’re getting into heavy duty baking mode.

Mike is upset about the clumping.  I think he’s still sad about John Adams.

Emily: The dough is really really soft and brown (I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be this brown, or if that’s because of the whole wheat flour.)  Also, I feel like all the ingredients – eggs, flour, sugar, salt, baking powder, nutmeg, cinnamon, vanilla – would make a dough anyway.  So why did we need the instant mashed potatoes?

The dough has been assembled, and now we have to let it sit for 20 minutes. 

Incidentally, this provides us some time to discuss our Betty Crocker honorable mention recipe: Cold Meat Morsels.  

This recipe made it all the way to the final cut simply based on its picture (which is very attractively laid out), and silly name.  But in the end it wasn’t picked because it’s just mini salami sandwiches.  Nothing really that exciting.  But we’re including it here because it deserves a place on this blog, even if we have no intention of making it.  Believe us when we say that we’ve got PLENTY of amazing recipe cards still to go through in our collection, so you may be seeing additional “honorable mentions” in this space from time to time.

Aaaaand we’re back.  It’s been 20 minutes, and so the dough should be sufficiently rested by now.

Mike: We get to work cutting the doughnuts.  But of course we don’t own a doughnut cutter, so we use a large juice glass for the exterior, and shot glass for the hole.

Emily:  Like I said, we’re classy.

Also, we jerry rig a deep fryer with just a saucepan.  The recipe calls for immersing the doughnuts in about 3-4 inches of oil, but we run out of oil after only about 2 inches.  So 2 inches it is.

Mike:  It’s not the number of inches of oil you immerse your dough in.  It’s how you use it.  Or something like that.

It occurs to me at this point that we’re always running out of ingredients and altering the recipe in some way so as to suit the ingredients we have or were able to find.

Emily:  It’s not that we’re not organized, it’s that we’re cooking in a modern age.  We don’t necessarily have a doughnut cutter, or 18 vats of oil on hand, or a jar of crab apples.  I also wonder what Betty would think of our use of whole wheat flour.

Emily drops a doughnut in.  After a few minutes we get this:

Emily:  Holy shit it looks like a doughnut.  It’s perfect!  And it smells like French fries!

We cook more doughnuts and holes.  Things are going well!  Mike takes note when a hole gets stuck in a nut, at which time Emily remarks that she’s surprised more sexual innuendo hasn’t come up.

Emily: Why didn’t we make these for breakfast?

Mike:  It’s true.  Against some odds, this is starting to work out really well.  We don’t even have one of those thermometer thingies to tell us how hot the fat is getting.

(Emily: I’ll tell you how hot the fat is getting! oh!)

Eating it.

OK.  This is truly a momentous occasion.  As we were mixing the icing for the donuts, Mike just took a donut hole, dipped it in the chocolate frosting, and ate it.  This is the first time that we didn’t have to play rock-paper-scissors to see who eats first!  Then I did it!

People, they are good!!!!  I can’t even believe I’m saying these words.  They taste good.  I will even say yummy.  (In the time it’s taken to write these words, Mike has eaten 3 donut holes and has experimented with raspberry jam.  I’m speechless.

Now we’re making the Chocolate Icing.  We might have messed up because we bought chocolate frosting in a tub but the recipe card says dry frosting…hmmmm.  I don’t think I’ve ever heard of dry frosting.

Mike asks if these are better for you than the average donut.  I reply that I’m not sure and ask why he thinks that.  He says they feel lighter.  I think it’s his confidence returning from the abysmal depths of the pork breakfast travesty.  I also think he’s forgotten all about John Adams. 

Emily: Upon eating my second hole (Mike: You said second hole!), I realize that they are good but not great.  A little dry and they might have a weird aftertaste.  And they aren’t as good as donuts from a regular store.  But they definitely aren’t bad.  And that’s saying something.

We’ve created the icing and dipped the donuts.  Now it’s time to let the icing set.  Ours don’t look at fancy as Betty’s on the card but she didn’t tell us how to make them look like that so we are stuck with just chocolate frosting.

Closing Remarks.

Emily: These doughnuts are solid. BetBet, I don’t even know what to say.  I had a good feeling about tonight from the start, but I would have never guessed that these happy traveler sing along instant mashed potato doughnuts were going to pass the test.  They truly truly did.  We still don’t know what you were thinking with the happy traveling singing part of this whole thing.  But maybe we’ll throw one in a basket and travel with it to our friend Jess’ comedy show tonight.  And then delight in her disbelief that it is a doughnut made out of potatoes and it’s actually edible.   I’m  a little concerned we smell too much like deep fried doughnut to go out in public. We were actually hovering over the “deep fryer” in disbelief for the last twenty minutes.

Mike:  I’m just in shock right now.

You know, when Emily and I initially conceived of this project, we were thinking about all of the horrible recipes in this recipe card collection and thinking about how funny it would be to try them.  Never did we actually consider that something we’d make would actually turn out good.  Not good in the “we followed the recipe to a T and it came out looking just like it was supposed to, which is terrible,” or good as in “it’s midnight and I haven’t eaten in 11 hours and I’m super hungry, which is why this giant cream cheese-filled burger tastes good.”  I’m talking about actually good, as in tasty, as in something we’d bring to our friend Jess’ show tonight.  You might think that doughnuts would be a slam dunk.  But POTATO doughnuts?  C’mon.  Raise your hand if you thought that would work out.  Didn’t think so.

Addendum- we did end up taking a doughnut to Jess.  She took one bite and said  “It’s not bad” and then casually put the thing aside.  Maybe they aren’t THAT good, but she finished her one and only bite so that’s saying something.

 

 

7. Pork Potato Apple Bake

Dear Reader,

How did it get to be August already?  Damn.  (Actually, as we’re writing this, it’s pretty much September by now).  We’ve run out of excuses.   We’re doing our best to get these Betty Crocker recipes in once a month, but it’s just not happening.  So obviously we missed July (and are about to miss August, too), but we applaud you in your patience.  We’ve got a couple of recipes coming up in rapid succession here, which hopefully will make you happy and keep you busy reading until we get our shit together.

As always, we remain:

“Yours in Crockering,”

Emily and Mike

Opening Remarks.

Since this is the first Betty Crocker breakfast that we’ve made (technically this belongs in the “Family Breakfast Brighteners” section), we have decided to challenge our culinary skills by getting up super early and attempting to put this breakfast together before work on a Monday.  We’re interested to see if this recipe really is better in the morning.

Another small note, there is a second pork breakfast listed on this recipe card involving Canadian bacon and pineapple.  For the sake of our health, we decided to focus on only the Pork-Apple Potato Bake recipe.  Get over it.

Making It.

Emily: First off,  it’s hard to type.  My lips aren’t working or my feet.  Also my fingers.  Mike is fine - he’s a morning person and he is making coffee.  Thank the good lord for coffee.

(A few minutes go by)

He is now packing lunch for the day.  What the fuck???

Mike:  Whatever.

Emily:  A note on the ingredients:  We bought them last night.  There was no prep involved. 

(At this point, typing has become too difficult for Emily - things don’t work well for her when she’s tired – so Mike officially takes over much of the rest of the documentation while Emily concentrates on the actual making.)

Mike: The recipe calls for, among other things, “pork luncheon meat,” “vaccum-packed canned sweet potatoes,” and “dark corn syrup.”  There were a number of “pork luncheon meats” from which to choose at the grocery store, but we decided to go with Low Sodium Spam, because deviled ham is not sliceable.  Emily has never had Spam before, and was EXTREMELY reluctant to purchase it.  I had to insist that it would not kill her.

Emily:  Actually I’ve had Spam before.  In your mothers ham and pickle finger sandwiches she makes for showers and parties.  I haven’t ever cooked Spam before or opened a can and touched it. 

 

Mike: As for the other two ingredients, we couldn’t find “canned sweet potatoes,” but did find “canned yams.”  Again, I was the one who (correctly) insisted that they were the same thing, but Emily wasn’t so sure.  This is one of those rare times when I actually won an argument about anything, and so the yams were bought.  This morning Emily actually read the can for the first time and realized that they were the same thing.

(The cats seem very interested in the Low Sodium Spam.) 

Emily: Can cats eat Spam?

Mike: I wouldn’t.

Emily: You’d have US eat this and not the cats?

(She cuts up a LOT of the spam and sets it down on the floor for the cats.  They’re not so interested after all.)

Mike: Re: the dark corn syrup.  Emily INSISTED that we had it, even though she never looked in the cupboard.  (Here were my exact words in reply: “Are you sure it’s dark corn syrup?”  Emily: “Yes.”)

Guess what?  We only had LIGHT corn syrup after all.  I say the hell w/ it, and we use that.  Emily has this to say about the corn syrup: “Holy shit that’s a lot of corn syrup”)

 A note on the tone of this posting:

While technically higher functioning in the morning, Mike also tends to be a grumpy bastard.  So if you notice a decidedly anti-Emily bent to this month’s posting, that is why.  Rest assured, we still like each other during much of the rest of each day.

Mike:  Finally, the apples.  The recipe calls for a jar of spiced crab apples.  Which, naturally, are quite impossible to find.  In fact, we couldn’t find a jar of any apples, so we picked up a bag of dried apples. 

Emily: I asked my mom if she ever remembers cooking with spiced crab apples, and she said they used to be popular around the holidays, but that she hasn’t seen them for 25 years or something like that.

Mike: Upon purchasing the dried apples, Emily announces that we’ll just re-hydrate them, as if she’s a scientist.  No plan is then given for how this will take place, even though I ask her for one.  We’re now halfway through the recipe and the apples still have not been “re-hydrated.”  I don’t think it’s gonna happen, folks.

Emily notices that the can of spam says it’s good until December of 2010.  Emily says that everyone’s freaking out because the date of our wedding (she’s obsessed w/ wedding planning right now) isn’t until 2 years off.  Well, the Spam doesn’t care.

Emily: The making of this recipe is pretty straightforward.  It’s just layers of stuff.  But very odd layers.

Mike: Also: crunchy peanut butter.  Emily is not pleased.  I am.  Emily has this to say: “At least we’re getting rid of it.”  Apparently just having it around the house makes her upset.

At a few minutes past 6 Emily realizes that she hasn’t been halving any of the recipe (except for the Spam).  Just minutes after announcing that the recipe is very straightforward (only layers, etc.), she follows up w/ this: “This isn’t easy to do.  Don’t let anyone ever tell you that mixing peanut butter and corn syrup is easy.”  I’m never waking her up before 7am again, ever.

Evidence: “This is a dish I got from my mom’s from that old lady.  It’s kind of perfect.” (I have no idea what she’s talking about)

 Emily: We needed to adjust the ratios - like the sweet potatoes and the Spam were off and so we took some away and used less sauce.

The melted butter instantly re-congealed on top of the cold orange juice.

(The coffee has finished brewing)

Emily:  Yes!  Coffee!

Emily: We decide that the “crabapple” rings look like the thing in the Spiderwick Chronicles that lets you see faries and stuff.  We need to rig up some glasses to be 100% dork.

We just watched that movie last night.

Mike: This isn’t how it went down at ALL.  Emily puts one of those dried apples up to my eye and I go “it’s like in the Spiderwick Chronicles.”  Which, again, we saw LAST NIGHT.  Emily then replies that I’m “such a dork she loves it” and starts typing away.

Mike: Alright Mr. Wizard, how are we going to re-hydrate these apples? 

Emily: Why are you calling me Mr. Wizard again?”

Mike: Check out this gem from Emily (Em-gem?): “We halved the recipe.  Do you think we also need to halve the time?  Probably not, right?”

Whilst the pork-potato thing is baking, we tuck into some coffee and biscotti.  We’ve started referring to biscotti in this way: bis-COAT-ee (really slowly and deliberately, and in a terrible faux Italian accent).  We were in NH the other week looking at a possible site for our wedding, and I asked a local where I could get a good cup of coffee.  The woman pointed me in the right direction, and then said “They also make some really good bis-COAT-ee.”  Keep in mind that she only pulled out the terrible Italian accent for “biscotti.”  Emily and I wanted to try to coax other Italian words, like ‘veranda’ or ‘cappuccino,’ out of her to see if she said all Italian words in this way.

While the dish is in the oven, I mention how badly we fucked up the apple situation.  This is what Emily has to say: “We used to have a crabapple tree in my friend’s yard growing up.  We never ate them.  They attracted bees.”   She falls asleep at the kitchen table shortly thereafter.

A few minutes later, when Emily is awake again  we look up online where to buy spiced crabapples in a jar, and find a forum where people discuss where to buy them. 

Mike: Apparently some people (German people) used to have them on their table at holiday time.  Emily has convinced herself that jarred crabapples are extinct, like the woolly mammoth.

With about 5 mins to go, the apples on top are totally burning.  Not good.

5 minutes go by.

Eating It.

Mike: We take the pork breakfast out of the oven, and compare how Betty’s picture looks way better than our burnt monstrosity.  I start to ask a question, but Emily cuts me off by farting really loudly.  She then says “I have to go to the bathroom,” and leaves the kitchen.  When she re-emerges a few minutes later, she announces that she has had “a great idea.”  But it has to do with wedding vows, and not anything about Betty Crocker.  She then says “It’s a good thing I just shitted out my entire intestines so I can eat this.”

Emily has asked me to write the following disclaimer: “Please put a disclaimer that I’m not stupid.”  She then looks at the pork breakfast on her plate and says “Mine has a weird tendril on it.  Do you see?  I think maybe it’s part of the sweet potato.”

Another disclaimer: Emily really is not stupid, or disgusting, or anything.  She’s really funny when she’s tired, though.

Emily: Mike puts some on his plate first.  Because even though I’m apparently stupid, I can still beat his ass at rock-paper-scissors consistently.  Here’s what he has to say: It smells nutty.  And burnt and Crispy.  He takes a corner segment.  He’s having a hard time cutting the apples. He attempts to just eat apple.  I correct him, and he take a bite of everything.

Mike: This is really interesting because none of the flavors have mixed.  I can taste them all separately.  It’s like in a band how all the instruments go together to compliment each other.  This – nothing compliments anything.  It’s all just sitting on top of each other.  I can taste the Spam.   And the peanut butter.  And the burnt.  And the apple.  This apple situation is disgusting.

Emily:  Mike then goes in for another bite and hurts his tooth.  He says “You’re gonna hate it.” but keeps eating.  Then: “Ah…there’s the sweet potato.  That doesn’t go so badly with the sweet potato.  Probably should have left the extra sweet potato in.”  He shakes his head, and says: “It’s not good.” (Note: he’s still eating) “ I don’t know if Spam was the right thing to do.  It’s hard to tell.”  (Another bite.  He starts reading the recipe card.)

I ask: “Would you like it for breakfast?

He says: “No I think the Canadian style bacon with pineapple would be better.  This is not good.  I think we did a terrible job this morning.  (He's eaten the entire thing.)  It’s your turn.  I’m sick.

Mike: Emily’s turn: She tries to take a bite, but can’t cut the burnt apple.  She then refers to a weird hair she has on her plate.  She smells it, then shakes her head and takes a bite.  Sour face, followed up by sad face.  She shakes her head.  Wipes the corner of her mouth.

She says: “Can we talk about texture?  The apple is really, really leathery, and that doesn’t go well w/ the peanut butter, which is crunchy.  And then the Spam is just like…foamy.  Like salty foam.  I didn’t taste the potatoes at all.  I’m not sure they would’ve made it better, though.  I don’t think anything would make this better.  I don’t think real jarred crabapples would make this better, because they’d be juicy, round and big, and throw the whole ratio off.  I don’t like crunchy peanut butter.”

She pushes her plate aside and says “No thank you.”  She then turns on me and snaps – “I can’t believe you ate that whole thing.”  I say I was hungry, and she says  “I don’t like it.”

Closing Remarks:

Now, we’re the first to admit that while we’re both extremely creative people, we don’t work well together on creative projects. In fact, ask any of our friends what it’s like to be in the room with us while we are collaborating on a random project and they will look you dead in the eye and say, “Run.  Run Away. TRUST us.” 

The beauty of this blog is that we get to test this theory at least once a month in new and exciting ways.  As you can see, this installment failed miserably on many different levels.

We clearly weren’t at our best this time with regards to the following skills:

Ingredient Finding

Typing

Measuring

Baking

Talking

Friendliness

Controlling Bodily functions

Rock-Paper-Scissor execution (just one of us)

But, we both agree that Betty was also not at the top of her game when devising this breakfast recipe.  In fact, she failed pretty miserably with this one on many fronts- ingredients, flavor, and appearance to name just a few.

So, in the end, everyone was a loser.  And it’s ok.  Sometimes you just have to just accept it and move on. 

We’re actually pretty excited to move on…far far away from the land of Spam, vacuum-packed sweet potatoes, and jarred crabapples.  It’s just not a happy place.  No, seriously, look at me.  Run.  Run Away.  TRUST us.