#10 Be a Paper Bag Clown Party

Hello hello readers,

We’ve had plans now going on 2 years to do some of the recipes from Betty’s “Children’s Parties” collection, but it didn’t feel right to do something so non-traditional right after re-starting this blog.  This time, we decided to combine two “Parties” recipes in one for August, to really prove we’re back for good.  Because we are (Even though it's September and we're just now publishing August.  It's not because we don't love you).
 
This last month has been quite the transition month for us.  We attempted to cram every little bit of summer fun into to the last weekend in August (read: Ocean City, NJ).  Then Mike started grad school again, I had an entirely new bus schedule to memorize, and well, we got a new wii game.  Like I said, it's not that we don't love you.  It's just that we've been having a lot of fun without you.  Ok, ok, ok, that sounds bad.  It's just that some days, it's time to Betty, and other days, it's time to, you know, go outside, sit your ass on a beach, and ponder the broad strokes of your life (all while judging people on said beach and thinking about what you will grill that night for dinner). 

Have no fear.  We will have plenty of time to sit inside, make crappy Betty Crocker recipes, and torture ourselves by eating them this winter (in Massachusetts, that's a season that lasts October-April).   Until then, enjoy your goddamn paper bag clown party.  We sure did! 


We'll be back next month with something especially gross to celebrate Autumn.
Yours in crockering,


Emily and Mike

We felt a little weird throwing a party just for ourselves, so we decided to throw it for one of our cats instead.  We chose Spencer, since he’s the most angsty.

We started the evening off with a new cocktail favorite, Sweet Tea (iced tea and vodka) with basil and some melon from the farm.  Delicious.

Emily: I’m really excited about both recipes.  The potential for fun is just overflowing.  I’m also intrigued by the first line of the Paper Bag Party card, which exclaims “How versatile paper bags are!”  I guess we’ll find out.

Mike: I had no idea paper bags were so versatile.  This is exciting.

Emily:   I’d also like to bring it down for a very special episode of the “Betty Crocker Recipe Project.”  As we were editing last month’s entry, I started to feel ashamed about how much I was cursing (this probably has to do with the fact that my mom reads this blog and, even though I’m 33, I still felt like I needed to put a dollar in the curse jar).  So it’s my vow during this entry NOT to curse during any part of the making or eating process.  Amen (takes a swig of Sweet Tea).

Mike: I can’t make the same promises, because I don’t think my mom reads this blog.  Even if she does, I’m not so great at controlling my cursing.  I feel calmer going into this recipe than I usually do, because I think the end results will be more edible than we’re accustomed to.  I mean, we’re basically just making cupcakes and whatever candy things are on the paper bag.

Emily:  But it’s a party…it’s two parties, in one.

Mike: No, I know that!  I’m just saying I’m more confident about the end result.  I am excited about throwing Spencer a party.

Emily:  No, no, Spencer’s throwing it for US.

Mike:  Does he know that?  Because I don’t think he does.

Emily: Did we tell him?

Mike:  I did not tell him.

Making it.

We decide to make the “Paper Bag Party” first.

Here is a little intro from the back of the “Paper Bag Party” card:

Interjection: At this point we get into our first argument of the evening.  Emily has the card in her hand, and she says “Betty says, quote.” 

Mike then asks if the card says “Betty says quote” on it. 

Emily responds by saying “Betty says quote.” 

Mike then asks again, does the card say “Betty says quote?” 

“I said that,” says Emily.

“I know you said that, but is that what it says on the back of the card?” 

“I’m about to tell you what’s on the card.” 

Mike: “OK.” 

Emily: “Betty says, quote…”  

Mike: “Is that what the card actually says?  Does it physically say ‘Betty says quote’ on the card?” 

Emily:  I’m telling you—

Mike: Just give me the fucking card [snatches card out of Emily’s hand.]

Emily: Really?  You’re going to get mad about this?

Mike: Sorry.

“How versatile paper bags are!  You can cut them.  Paint or color them.  Paste curly paper eyelashes or noses on them.  Make masks or stuff them with paper and shape into puppet heads.  You can put popcorn balls into a paper bag slipped over a Styrofoam block for edible table decorations.  Have fun at your paper bag party!”

Emily:  I just love her enthusiasm for paper bags.  She freaking loves paper bags, and it’s a bit contagious.  Would you agree?

Mike: Not yet, no.  I am excited about the ice cream part of it, even though I do not have any Lactaid pills and I will probably pay for it later.

Jumping to the cupcake part: 

Mike: The cupcakes for the “Be a Clown Party” were very easy to make.  Just followed the back of the cake mix box.  Did we use Betty Crocker cake mix?

Emily nods.

Mike: Yes!

We also made some air-popped popcorn to make the pink balls.  Emily can’t stop eating.

Mike: I am just not feeling it right now….Maybe it's food coma from dinner.  Or sleep deprivation. 

 Mike (attempting to rally): to Spencer- are you ready for your party?  Want to help?

Spencer “helps” to measure the marshmallows.

Emily measures 7 cups of popcorn per the instructions.  Didn’t seem like enough, so she puts in 2 more (not sure why, just seemed like the right thing to do).

We now have an officially buttered bowl (that’s what she said.)

Emily:  woooh.  This sweet tea is strong.  How are you feeling?

Mike: A lot better.  I rallied.  I don’t know why.  I think it was Spencer’s help.

We combine the marshmallow, butter and red food coloring into a bowl. 

Emily: Betty calls for a double boiler but we don’t have one.  We probably should have put one on our wedding registry.  Dang it.  I rig one out of a bowl and a saucepan of water.  Ok, stir that bad boy. 

Mike:  Spencer, do you want to help again? 

Spencer walks away.

Mike has totally rallied and is punching the air to Liz Phair.  Who can really blame him?

Mike: One reason why this recipe combination might feel calmer is because we are really in no rush.  Nothing is cooking on the stove while we are doing 11 things at the same time.  I predict chaos when we are making the clown faces.

Emily begins to assemble the paper bag-foam face.  She loves crafts!

The nose on the paper bag centerpiece is just a really sharp knife.  For a kid’s party.

Emily catches Mike checking on his fantasy baseball team.  She yells at him.  “We’re deep in the party-making!”

Update from the rigged double boiler.  We’ve got meltage!

Spencer returns to his party with a guest: Ozzie.  It's always awkward being the first guest at a party.

We begin pouring the now-pink marshmallow mixture over the popcorn.  Emily thinks it smells like strawberries.

Rock-Paper-Scissors for who is going to butter their hands:

Emily wins 2-0 (Paper covers Rock, Paper covers Rock).  Mike butters his hands.

We attempt our first pink ball and disaster strikes.  The popcorn won’t stay on the lollipop.  According to Mike it is not still warm, so it's just the extra butter making it slippery.  Honestly, we could have used Spencer’s help.

While we are putting the balls on the bag, Mike gives Emily a look like- that is freaking UGLY. 

Emily: “I’m not trying to make it look like shit!  Crap!  I mean...messed up!”

At least Spence likes it. 

We take a 5 minute break to reset and prepare for the clown portion of the evening.  Ozzie is still waiting for the other guests to arrive.  Little does he know that the other guest is sleeping comfortably in Mike’s recycle bin. 

He distracts himself by staring down a spider crawling across the kitchen floor.  Apparently another guest has arrived.  

Emily: !!!!!!

Disaster #2: The wine has been in the freezer so long it is now frozen.  Wine slushies, for everyone! (the optimism is FLOWING tonight.  It's because we're having a party. Thanks Betty!)

Ramona has arrived fashionably late and we couldn’t be more excited. 

Spencer continues to be a bad host but Mike makes up for it. 

We just realized that this entire post is all about us taking pictures of our cats on a Friday night.  If it's not already clear, we are still working on making friends in our new town.

Emily sneezes on the cupcakes.  What’s with her and sneezing?

The spider is desperately trying to leave this party.  That’s OK though, because more guests have arrived.  Fruit flies.

Emily: !!!!!!!!

Emily: Making cupacake icecream clown faces is best done to rap.

Chaos, as predicted, when we put the faces together.  The ice cream is just melting too fast. 

Mike: “I need a corn!  A CORN!"

They look just like the card.

....and some lovely close-ups:

In the end, we decide to toss all of the candy except the cinnamon hearts and the honey roasted peanuts.  Everything else is just nasty.  I wonder i f they had non-disgusting candy in the 60’s.  If not, we really can’t blame Betty.
* special aside:  whie this recipe called for LOTS of gross candy, it did give us an excuse to go to our favorite local ice cream store that just happens to be a penny candy store too.  Feast your eyes on the amazingness of this place:

Now, if you come visit us, we will take you there.  Yes, I am "dangling a carrot." 

It is now two and a half hours after starting our party prep. 

And the party is BUMPIN.  It makes for a late night but that’s to be expected with a paper bag clown party.  I mean, Come on!

Eating it.

Well, we didn’t think about actually eating the cupcakes before we doused them with catnip trying to get a photo of all of the cats together, enjoying them. 

We also decided not to eat the balls because by the time we got to them, they had melted down the paper bag face.  The whole thing was a disaster.  It would have also terrified little children. 

Also, Emily was a little concerned about biting into one and chipping her tooth on the lollipop buried inside.  Especially because we are still looking for a new dentist out here.  We did save the extra pink popcorn because it's basically rice Krispy treats with red food coloring and, clearly it’s not ok to waste rice Krispy treats. 

Closing remarks.

Emily:  I have a few things to say. 

-While this party seemed calm, it took a LONG time to get everything ready. And the cupcake faces were not easy.  Maybe it’s because it’s August and we are attempting to make things with melted marshmallow and ice cream.

-Sometimes I think it’s ok to have a calm recipe making.  I hope our description doesn’t downplay our general confusion and flabberghastedness.  Because that was a constant tonight.  It’s also nice to have a little variety.  It doesn’t always have to be a poop show in the kitchen.  Sometimes it’s nice to bring it down a bit and make a recipe like Robert Goulet might.

-I wonder why Betty can’t keep any of her recipes the natural color.  Too often there is a pink color when there shouldn’t be.  You know what recipe could have used some coloring to mask the grossness? The freaking Jellied Chicken Salad that started this whole blog. 

-Overall, I think Spencer threw an excellent party.  I’m still not sure who it’s for but a party is a party, right?

- I still also ponder the versatility of the paper bag.  I don’t think you need a paper bag face centerpiece but then again, we are watching a lot of Madmen on Netflix and a lot of what those women did was ridiculous.  I think it’s a product of being home every day WITH NOTHING TO DO.  When in doubt, make elaborate centerpieces.  Involve food coloring whenever you can.

-Finally, I think I did pretty well with my “no cursing” challenge.  I only slipped up once, er twice when I cursed and then freaked out that I cursed.  My mom will be proud.  Actually, she probably doesn’t care. 

Mike:  I want to thank Spencer for throwing us the party.  It was very thoughtful of him.  I’m still surprised that so many creatures from the neighborhood turned out tonight!  It was nice to see everyone.

-I like that this recipe was a bit more relaxed than those we’ve had in the past.  There’s a lot going on in the world right now, and it’s nice every once in a while to just get deep into some party-making.

-I feel happy with the way everything turned out, and slightly sick from all the candy I ate.

-You know, one thing I’ve been wondering about is where they took that picture of the cupcake people.  Were they in some sort of fluorescent pink walk-in freezer?  Because our dudes started melting as soon as we began to assemble them.  We’d put a candy corn eye on, turn away to get a jelly bean or a honey roasted peanut, then turn back to find that the candy corn eye had slid down the cupcake man’s cheek on to the ground.  Maybe Betty had a cupcake clown production team to help her out.  I bet she did.

UPDATE: A couple hours after we had finished making everything (after we’d thrown out the leftovers and cleaned up the kitchen), a giant beetle flew in the window.  Hey beetle – you’re late, party’s over, get outta here!

Man, we really need to get some friends in this town.